Thursday, September 6, 2012

In Which Mr. Ken Porter Becomes Spider-Man (Nearly)


I was sitting in AuSable Hall at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, Michigan, when I was given an incredible false hope. While my face was buried in a textbook about document design, I suddenly got a tingle in the back of my neck to look up from where I was sitting.

A spider was descending from the roof on a single thread of web.

-Dramatic Reenactment-

Some people are afraid of spiders. It’s supposedly a big deal. Personally I think spiders are wonderful for getting rid of flies. I mean really, spiders are silent, but flies are loud as hell and never leave you alone. It’s like the annoying person at work that wants to show you all their family photos when you could give two shits about them.

Hell, I don’t even give a single shit.

So anyway, back to my nerdy train of thought.

As the spider came down my first thought wasn’t, oh my god, here comes a spider, I need to get the hell out of his way. In fact, my real line of thought was, oh my god, here comes a spider, he’s going to dramatically bite me and give me superpowers.

It was just the perfect setup. Here I am, at a university, minding my own business AND wearing glasses, and BOOM! Spider bite.

It’s really unfortunate for the citizens of Michigan that it only rested on my hair before hopping down to the bench I was sitting on. A whole era of crime fighting ended with a spider that just didn’t have the balls to bite a young man with a laptop.

-This looks like it hurts-

Now I don’t have any way of proving that he would have given me powers. I’m not a scientist. But I do know science fiction, and the laws of science fiction really purely on coincidence and awesome made-up words.

So based on that style of logic it did have radioactive properties and I just missed out on an excuse to buy that skintight spandex suit I’ve always wanted. Although I feel like I might have a better chance at Christmas to get the suit if I’m good, and a relatively slim chance of this ever happening again with superpowers involved.

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